Well, I'm diving right in! I guess I wasn't looking in the right places, but it seemed like for months all of the blogs and communities that I found about infertility and trying to conceive (TTC if you're in the know!- insert massive eye roll here) were weird and talked about baby dust, angel babies and sticky fluid. I have finally found some online communities with some intelligent voices of reason- other people who need to express the wide range of feelings they go through every day but can't share with the people around them. What a relief to see that others have experienced the same emotions that I have and that I'm not a freak! To be honest, however, what a NON relief to hear people talking about trying for 10 years. Could I really do this for 9 more years?!! As I've said before, I know there are worse things in the world but this has been one of the most challenging years of my life, I'm not sure if I could take a decade.
So it turns out there are like a zillion infertility blogs. I found a great resource in the Stirrup Queens http://www.stirrup-queens.com. Not only is this a great blog, there are tons of resources and ways to connect to other blogs. I seriously have been sitting here for like three hours and have only just scratched the surface of what's available.
I'm still looking for that answer... how does one keep faith/hope/sanity alive between rounds of treatments, blood tests, ultrasounds, waiting, periods, disappointment, crying, blood tests, ultrasounds, medicine, ultrasounds, waiting...
I did find a few short prayers that might be helpful for those of us who are doing this with God.
Prayer of Saint Teresa of Avila
Let nothing disturb you,
Let nothing frighten you,
All things are passing away:
God never changes.
Patience obtains all things
Whoever has God lacks nothing;
God alone suffices.
Amen
Prayer #2
Lord help me to remember that nothing is going to happen to me today that You and I can't handle.
Amen
Even if you are not a praying person, perhaps you can find some peace in these words. I like "Patience obtains all things". It reminds me to not get stuck so much in the woah is me look where I am but to see how far I've come. I look back on that first failed IUI, how I cried and cried. I felt like I was alone in a dark cave devoid of hope or ever leaving. I forgot that I had a life outside of trying to get pregnant and thought that all hope was lost. Seven months later I feel years wiser. I don't know if that broken woman would recognize the one that sits here today, trying to reach out to others, giving advice about Ovidrel on the internet. Time has made me this much stronger, so I guess I can keep going.
Please share what advice you have for keeping faith and hope alive!
Monday, March 18, 2013
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Yay! How encouraging! My blog had 4 views, good! If even one person reads my words and feels a little less alone than I am happy. Happiness is not always easy to come by when you are dealing with infertility. It is hard to see the things that you have and to be grateful for them because you have identified a major thing that you DON'T have. Sometimes it feels like so much of what I do on a daily, weekly basis has to do with trying to get pregnant. Friends who have not gone through this try to be helpful and say things like, "Can't you just focus on other things and getting pregnant will just happen?" They aren't going to the doctor's office at the crack of dawn at least four times a month for monitoring. They are not shelling out money they don't have for weekly acupuncture.
I apologize, I don't want this to be a place where I bitch and moan about the frustrating process of going through fertility treatments. How can we find happiness while going through this? I have tried to implement some strategies in my life to help focus on the positive. Every morning when I wake up I make a mental list and thank God for all of the things I am thankful for. Often the list is the same, but it is a good way to start the day, none the less. I go with the old trick of smiling, even if I don't feel like it, and hope that my mood follows along. I've given up complaining for Lent. It is a struggle, but I think when I see things that annoy me, but can't complain about them, it helps me to just accept them and move on with life rather than focusing on them, voicing my opinion, commiserating with others, and just adding to the negativity in the world.
After my first failed IUI, I had to go through a really dark period before I could get real. I wanted to hide myself away from my friends because I didn't know what to say to them. I didn't want to answer their questions. I didn't want to talk about what I was going through, how disappointed I was, and I also didn't know how to think about anything else. I didn't want to be around anyone who was happy. I was spending a lot of energy on "why me?" I couldn't see why I would bother being around any of my friends because they couldn't possibly understand what I was going through. I figured I would just have to pick up with them again after I got pregnant. That sounds so strange to me now!!! But dealing with infertility is physically and mentally draining and I think it really does mess with your sense of rationality.
Someone gave me advice that saved me and I hope that I can do the same for you. After hiding my infertility as if it were something to be ashamed of, I tentatively asked a woman in my book club about a fertility book she mentioned. She, who has been doing this for a while, offered to sit down and talk with me if I ever wanted to, and I took her up on her offer. She shared her experiences with me and I was fascinated by her candor. She told me about how she talks to everyone, her family, her friends, her husband's family, about her treatments and they all know the details of what she is doing. I was amazed at how she dealt with it as if there was nothing to be embarrassed or secretive about. She told me about an aunt in her family who hadn't been able to have children and had excluded herself from family parties and events, and eventually, isolated herself from her family altogether. I realized this was who I was quickly becoming. Months had passed since I got together with my friends. I had never even thought that they might have been offended by this. I couldn't see past my own sadness and disappointment, and in that, I was losing my life.
So, emboldened by her example, I started opening up to people. I started with my general doctor when I went for a physical. I burst into tears in front of her and she kindly shared with me her own stories of fertility treatments. She also helped me to get my emotions under control. I then got together with my friends and unloaded on them everything that had happened over the last few months, from the medical details to the emotions I had experienced. I expressed all the things I had assumed they "wouldn't understand." I still wasn't sure if they would understand, but they are my friends and they love me and I needed to give them a little more credit. I was rewarded ten fold. While they might not be able to identify with everything I am going through, they have been able to give me their support and love because I am not hiding from them anymore. Being able to talk about my experiences, disappointments, frustrations, and fears helps me to think more rationally and not so alone.
So talk to people about dealing with infertility. It is hard and it sucks and many more people have gone through it than you would think. I have found support in the most unexpected of places. I try to look at struggling to get pregnant as a "journey" (excuse the cliche) from which I will improve and learn. I can look back now (even though I am still on it) and start to see the positives that have come from this journey. In addition to being healthier after giving up gluten etc (we can get into that stuff if there seems to be an interest) I have made connections with people and encountered wonderful people that I may not have had I not been on this "journey."
Keep talking to people. Be open, it is the only way to let good things in (haha- that was not a sperm comment but could be!) Start by commenting here, even just to say hello. If you have come across this and have a way that you stay positive, please share it!
I apologize, I don't want this to be a place where I bitch and moan about the frustrating process of going through fertility treatments. How can we find happiness while going through this? I have tried to implement some strategies in my life to help focus on the positive. Every morning when I wake up I make a mental list and thank God for all of the things I am thankful for. Often the list is the same, but it is a good way to start the day, none the less. I go with the old trick of smiling, even if I don't feel like it, and hope that my mood follows along. I've given up complaining for Lent. It is a struggle, but I think when I see things that annoy me, but can't complain about them, it helps me to just accept them and move on with life rather than focusing on them, voicing my opinion, commiserating with others, and just adding to the negativity in the world.
After my first failed IUI, I had to go through a really dark period before I could get real. I wanted to hide myself away from my friends because I didn't know what to say to them. I didn't want to answer their questions. I didn't want to talk about what I was going through, how disappointed I was, and I also didn't know how to think about anything else. I didn't want to be around anyone who was happy. I was spending a lot of energy on "why me?" I couldn't see why I would bother being around any of my friends because they couldn't possibly understand what I was going through. I figured I would just have to pick up with them again after I got pregnant. That sounds so strange to me now!!! But dealing with infertility is physically and mentally draining and I think it really does mess with your sense of rationality.
Someone gave me advice that saved me and I hope that I can do the same for you. After hiding my infertility as if it were something to be ashamed of, I tentatively asked a woman in my book club about a fertility book she mentioned. She, who has been doing this for a while, offered to sit down and talk with me if I ever wanted to, and I took her up on her offer. She shared her experiences with me and I was fascinated by her candor. She told me about how she talks to everyone, her family, her friends, her husband's family, about her treatments and they all know the details of what she is doing. I was amazed at how she dealt with it as if there was nothing to be embarrassed or secretive about. She told me about an aunt in her family who hadn't been able to have children and had excluded herself from family parties and events, and eventually, isolated herself from her family altogether. I realized this was who I was quickly becoming. Months had passed since I got together with my friends. I had never even thought that they might have been offended by this. I couldn't see past my own sadness and disappointment, and in that, I was losing my life.
So, emboldened by her example, I started opening up to people. I started with my general doctor when I went for a physical. I burst into tears in front of her and she kindly shared with me her own stories of fertility treatments. She also helped me to get my emotions under control. I then got together with my friends and unloaded on them everything that had happened over the last few months, from the medical details to the emotions I had experienced. I expressed all the things I had assumed they "wouldn't understand." I still wasn't sure if they would understand, but they are my friends and they love me and I needed to give them a little more credit. I was rewarded ten fold. While they might not be able to identify with everything I am going through, they have been able to give me their support and love because I am not hiding from them anymore. Being able to talk about my experiences, disappointments, frustrations, and fears helps me to think more rationally and not so alone.
So talk to people about dealing with infertility. It is hard and it sucks and many more people have gone through it than you would think. I have found support in the most unexpected of places. I try to look at struggling to get pregnant as a "journey" (excuse the cliche) from which I will improve and learn. I can look back now (even though I am still on it) and start to see the positives that have come from this journey. In addition to being healthier after giving up gluten etc (we can get into that stuff if there seems to be an interest) I have made connections with people and encountered wonderful people that I may not have had I not been on this "journey."
Keep talking to people. Be open, it is the only way to let good things in (haha- that was not a sperm comment but could be!) Start by commenting here, even just to say hello. If you have come across this and have a way that you stay positive, please share it!
Monday, February 11, 2013
What to Expect When You're NOT Expecting... not your typical infertility blog
Let me start out with honesty, my reasons for writing this blog are somewhat selfish. Not selfish in the way I imagine the representative from the insurance company thinks that I am. I can hear her judgement as she says, "Oh, is this for an infertility medication? I have to transfer you to that department." Or maybe I'm just sensitive because I'm full of hormones, but this blog isn't about hormones, procedures, medications...
But this blog... This is a place to share how women keep faith when life doesn't turn out the way we thought it would, or should. This is where it is discussed that the fairytale doesn't play out the way we plan. I want to talk about how we move forward from day to day, all of us women, not just those of us struggling with infertility. Women grow up as girls with ideals, visions of an expected adulthood. We wear towels on our heads like veils, sing into hairbrush microphones and carry baby dolls around. All of a sudden we are adult grown women and we look around to find that there is no magical marriage, no stage and no baby.
I have to believe that our journey in life makes us who we are and that we are given challenges so that we can grow into better humans. I have to believe that we look back on the difficult times in our lives and are grateful for them because they made us who we are. But, let's face reality, it sucks big time to be right in the middle of a struggle. When it comes to getting pregnant, it's that nagging sadness at the corner of all of your thoughts, that constant feeling as if something is missing and the constant feeling of not having control. It is the haunting thought that what you want may forever be just out of reach.
This is where the selfish part comes in, I also have to believe that people go through this and come out the other side without having lost their mind or having given in completely to despair. The thing is, I don't know how they've done it. I battle with despair and negativity every day. It is a constant effort to attempt to stay positive and not wallow in the ever-so-tempting "why me?" pit. With this blog, I hope to find women that have struggled with infertility and survived and I want to pick their brains. I don't want to know about what positions/ointments/treatments worked to get pregnant, I want to know how they survived this part, the waiting. I want to find them and share their stories. I want this for myself because I just don't know how to do it (that's the selfish part) and for all of us who are trolling the Internet late at night, freaked out after having spent a good hour on WebMD and subsequent links about infertility.
I've thought about this for a long time and I'm finally doing it. I thought about this being a book, a documentary, there's even been talk of the screenplay- but for now, I feel like I need to get a different voice out there when it comes to this topic of "infertility." It has to be in a fluid forum like this so that some level-headed women get their thoughts out there, because what's out there is a whole lot of crazy!! This is not going to be a place where the discussion turns to the medical side of this struggle, except in a general sense. I'm not going to tell you about the procedures I've had or diagnosis etc. You won't find any weird acronyms like "TTC" or "DH" that seem to be very popular on a lot of infertility websites.
So I hope that you have found this blog and it can be an oasis amongst the crazy. Please comment and say hello, let me know that you are out there. Let's start a conversation about keeping faith and hope. Maybe, just maybe, sharing the struggle (even laughing every once and a while) will make it a little easier.
But this blog... This is a place to share how women keep faith when life doesn't turn out the way we thought it would, or should. This is where it is discussed that the fairytale doesn't play out the way we plan. I want to talk about how we move forward from day to day, all of us women, not just those of us struggling with infertility. Women grow up as girls with ideals, visions of an expected adulthood. We wear towels on our heads like veils, sing into hairbrush microphones and carry baby dolls around. All of a sudden we are adult grown women and we look around to find that there is no magical marriage, no stage and no baby.
I have to believe that our journey in life makes us who we are and that we are given challenges so that we can grow into better humans. I have to believe that we look back on the difficult times in our lives and are grateful for them because they made us who we are. But, let's face reality, it sucks big time to be right in the middle of a struggle. When it comes to getting pregnant, it's that nagging sadness at the corner of all of your thoughts, that constant feeling as if something is missing and the constant feeling of not having control. It is the haunting thought that what you want may forever be just out of reach.
This is where the selfish part comes in, I also have to believe that people go through this and come out the other side without having lost their mind or having given in completely to despair. The thing is, I don't know how they've done it. I battle with despair and negativity every day. It is a constant effort to attempt to stay positive and not wallow in the ever-so-tempting "why me?" pit. With this blog, I hope to find women that have struggled with infertility and survived and I want to pick their brains. I don't want to know about what positions/ointments/treatments worked to get pregnant, I want to know how they survived this part, the waiting. I want to find them and share their stories. I want this for myself because I just don't know how to do it (that's the selfish part) and for all of us who are trolling the Internet late at night, freaked out after having spent a good hour on WebMD and subsequent links about infertility.
I've thought about this for a long time and I'm finally doing it. I thought about this being a book, a documentary, there's even been talk of the screenplay- but for now, I feel like I need to get a different voice out there when it comes to this topic of "infertility." It has to be in a fluid forum like this so that some level-headed women get their thoughts out there, because what's out there is a whole lot of crazy!! This is not going to be a place where the discussion turns to the medical side of this struggle, except in a general sense. I'm not going to tell you about the procedures I've had or diagnosis etc. You won't find any weird acronyms like "TTC" or "DH" that seem to be very popular on a lot of infertility websites.
So I hope that you have found this blog and it can be an oasis amongst the crazy. Please comment and say hello, let me know that you are out there. Let's start a conversation about keeping faith and hope. Maybe, just maybe, sharing the struggle (even laughing every once and a while) will make it a little easier.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)