Yay!  How encouraging!  My blog had 4 views, good!  If even one person reads my words and feels a little less alone than I am happy.  Happiness is not always easy to come by when you are dealing with infertility.  It is hard to see the things that you have and to be grateful for them because you have identified a major thing that you DON'T have.  Sometimes it feels like so much of what I do on a daily, weekly basis has to do with trying to get pregnant.  Friends who have not gone through this try to be helpful and say things like, "Can't you just focus on other things and getting pregnant will just happen?"  They aren't going to the doctor's office at the crack of dawn at least four times a month for monitoring.  They are not shelling out money they don't have for weekly acupuncture.

I apologize, I don't want this to be a place where I bitch and moan about the frustrating process of going through fertility treatments.  How can we find happiness while going through this?  I have tried to implement some strategies in my life to help focus on the positive.  Every morning when I wake up I make a mental list and thank God for all of the things I am thankful for.  Often the list is the same, but it is a good way to start the day, none the less.  I go with the old trick of smiling, even if I don't feel like it, and hope that my mood follows along.  I've given up complaining for Lent.  It is a struggle, but I think when I see things that annoy me, but can't complain about them, it helps me to just accept them and move on with life rather than focusing on them, voicing my opinion, commiserating with others, and just adding to the negativity in the world.

After my first failed IUI, I had to go through a really dark period before I could get real.  I wanted to hide myself away from my friends because I didn't know what to say to them.  I didn't want to answer their questions.  I didn't want to talk about what I was going through, how disappointed I was, and I also didn't know how to think about anything else.  I didn't want to be around anyone who was happy. I was spending a lot of energy on "why me?"  I couldn't see why I would bother being around any of my friends because they couldn't possibly understand what I was going through.  I figured I would just have to pick up with them again after I got pregnant.  That sounds so strange to me now!!!  But dealing with infertility is physically and mentally draining and I think it really does mess with your sense of rationality.

Someone gave me advice that saved me and I hope that I can do the same for you.  After hiding my infertility as if it were something to be ashamed of, I tentatively asked a woman in my book club about a fertility book she mentioned.  She, who has been doing this for a while, offered to sit down and talk with me if I ever wanted to, and I took her up on her offer.  She shared her experiences with me and I was fascinated by her candor.  She told me about how she talks to everyone, her family, her friends, her husband's family, about her treatments and they all know the details of what she is doing.  I was amazed at how she dealt with it as if there was nothing to be embarrassed or secretive about.  She told me about an aunt in her family who hadn't been able to have children and had excluded herself from family parties and events, and eventually, isolated herself from her family altogether.  I realized this was who I was quickly becoming.  Months had passed since I got together with my friends.  I had never even thought that they might have been offended by this.  I couldn't see past my own sadness and disappointment, and in that, I was losing my life.

So, emboldened by her example, I started opening up to people.  I started with my general doctor when I went for a physical.  I burst into tears in front of her and she kindly shared with me her own stories of fertility treatments.  She also helped me to get my emotions under control.  I then got together with my friends and unloaded on them everything that had happened over the last few months, from the medical details to the emotions I had experienced.  I expressed all the things I had assumed they "wouldn't understand."  I still wasn't sure if they would understand, but they are my friends and they love me and I needed to give them a little more credit.  I was rewarded ten fold.  While they might not be able to identify with everything I am going through, they have been able to give me their support and love because I am not hiding from them anymore.  Being able to talk about my experiences, disappointments, frustrations, and fears helps me to think more rationally and not so alone.

So talk to people about dealing with infertility.  It is hard and it sucks and many more people have gone through it than you would think.  I have found support in the most unexpected of places.  I try to look at struggling to get pregnant as a "journey" (excuse the cliche) from which I will improve and learn.  I can look back now (even though I am still on it) and start to see the positives that have come from this journey.  In addition to being healthier after giving up gluten etc (we can get into that stuff if there seems to be an interest) I have made connections with people and encountered wonderful people that I may not have had I not been on this "journey."

Keep talking to people.  Be open, it is the only way to let good things in (haha- that was not a sperm comment but could be!)  Start by commenting here, even just to say hello.  If you have come across this and have a way that you stay positive, please share it!